Ryan and I have had many good and very hard discussions since our wedding day. Many of them included my exclaiming “I want you to lead me!” Today we took a walk through the park to intentionally discuss this. I realized that what I was craving, was to be united with my husband. I want to pursue God with Ryan.
My husband supports me in ways I have never been supported before. He works so hard to provide for me, to protect me, and to take care of me. I was reflecting on this last week, when I realized I felt something was incomplete about our relationship.
Ryan has always loved me to the best of his ability. He is the most dedicated, loyal, faithful man I know. This was evident the very first week we began dating. But having progressed our relationship into marriage, shouldn’t there have been a shift? Is it enough to love one another the way we did when we were dating, or the way we did when we were engaged? Shouldn’t our relationship be about more than him loving me, and me loving him? Shouldn’t we be uniting? Evolving from two separate people that care for one another, into a family that recognizes itself as a unit, a trinitarian-type connection that enables us to love within ourselves, but to also seek to love outside ourselves as well? We signed up for a covenantal relationship, that is exactly what we want! I want to be a part of a whole, just as Christ is to the trinity.
I want to be a wife, not just a woman who is married.
What we want, as a family, is to love people. We want to minister God’s grace to others, living out the gospel, and communicating the love of Christ. We want to worship the Lord as a couple, glorifying him in our marriage. I want to come into YHWH’s presence with my husband at my side, rather than simply entering the throne room at the same time from different entrances.
As we talked and discussed our hopes and expectations for our faith, both united and separate, Ryan and I came to the conclusion that the element we have been missing is intentionality. We have to be intentional about the way we look at everything. First and foremost, the way we interact with God, and with one another. But also in our friendships, our free time, our approach to the future, and even our daily interactions. We want our life to tell the story of the Gospel. We want our actions to speak our love. We want our choices and our decisions to reflect our theology.
So we are on a journey through the month of October, to begin choosing and instilling spiritual disciplines in our life, so we may better sync together, and ultimately, to fall into sync with the Lord.
As I said at the top, I have joined a partnership. I have interwoven my life with Ryan’s. And I could not be more excited to start living our life with the purpose of living out our faith. As Ryan has been telling me lately, “Our cup runneth over”. I could not agree more! Our life together has traces of grace all over it. The Lord has certainly shown himself faithful. “Grace like rain.” That’s what Ryan said to me tonight as we ran, in laughter, through the torrential downpour that started the moment we stepped outside. There is nothing in this world I love more than rain. And there is nothing in our life we need more than grace.